Its a new year. So far its starting out ok. I am nervous cause there are so many things I want to do. I want to travel, do daily sketches, push for a new job, and get my confidence up. Tired of having regrets about everything I wish I did differently in life when it comes to family and friends and career.
Sometimes it feels like I just don’t know whats right or wrong. Whats the difference between getting taken advantage of and doing something for someone because you care and want to see the best for that persons future. Either way they benefit right?
I have met people last year that are good people with bad habits and poor ways of thinking about life. Negative people and positive people. Motivated people and unmotivated people just going through the motions.
I have a tendency to be really hard on myself. I think its cause I was just raised that way. Everything always had to be perfect or done a certain way and you couldn't deviate from that cause if you did you were a bad person. Then I move to LA and every aspect of that is challenged. How do you know a good person from a bad person? How do you classify someone as good or bad other than the classic definitions in the bible or what your parents told you as a child? The world is this big confusing ball of dirt to me these days. All I can thing to do is just be myself and live the best way I know how.
Should a person not speak their mind when they feel hurt for fear of hurting the other party and destroying a relationship? Or maybe they should risk it and say what they gotta say and hope the person wont hate them forever.
What does it really mean to live a good life? Being a wife having your own family, or having a amazing career and money? Chasing your dreams and doing all the things you always wanted to do, is that important? Or is it more important to stand by family and friends in hard times even if they are not caring or concerned about your needs as a human being living in this crazy world?
Should a person be transparent to the world about who they are or should they share it with the world no matter how explicit or no matter the criticism? Maybe not, maybe its better to stay hidden. Read a quote today that I liked from Zora Neal Husrton, “If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” Its interesting, I related to it.
At what point is self preservation selfish fulfillment of personal desires no matter how it effects others around you? At what point does loving yourself, taking care of yourself, and protecting yourself, become nothing but a impractical display of egotism and arrogance intended to display your elevation above others.
They say its a thin line between love and hate. To me Love and hate are so black and white and we live in this very gray world.
The world confuses me. Might as well just stop thinking about it and just go make stuff. Back to drawing. Enough of the nonsense.
Big Booty Jane Forever!